


I'll Be Your (Memory)

by Selenai



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Character Death, Dreams, Established Relationship, Grief, M/M, Sad Ending, Thorki - Freeform, Tidbits of Smut, what did i write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-20 16:30:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21059720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenai/pseuds/Selenai
Summary: Thor could remember that same mischievousness back home, on Asgard, when they’d been younger. When Loki had teased him and chased him around the palace grounds. Turning into snakes and frogs and all sorts of animals as his magic grew and developed. Tricking Thor into infinite incidences where he got into all sorts of trouble from their parents.He watched, horrified, as his head was held perfectly still and the one good eye he had left watered slightly as Loki was clutched around the throat. Thor made a loud sound around the gag in his mouth. It was useless. He couldn’t protect his brother. He was unworthy. He was-- he was-- hopeless.





	I'll Be Your (Memory)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, guys! I'm not even sure what I just wrote, it just... exploded out of my fingers before work. Hopefully it's not complete shit like I'm worried it is haha.

“I am Loki, Odin’s son…”

Thor’s eyes widened when he caught sight of the shining dagger in his brother’s hand and shook his head just barely visible to anyone but Loki. It would be the end of him. Thanos may not have been a god the way they were, but he was immensely powerful. He could-- he could destroy everything they’d ever created in a single instance. He had most of the infinity stones already.

_Loki…_ he begged internally, pleading with his eyes for his brother to give up this hopeless feat. He’d die. And it would be real this time, there would be no freeing him from the false death he had created twice before for himself.

_Please…_

Loki shook his own head before lunging at Thanos.

Thor could remember that same mischievousness back home, on Asgard, when they’d been younger. When Loki had teased him and chased him around the palace grounds. Turning into snakes and frogs and all sorts of animals as his magic grew and developed. Tricking Thor into infinite incidences where he got into all sorts of trouble from their parents.

He watched, horrified, as his head was held perfectly still and the one good eye he had left watered slightly as Loki was clutched around the throat. Thor made a loud sound around the gag in his mouth. It was useless. He couldn’t protect his brother. He was unworthy. He was-- he was-- hopeless.

_Loki…!_ He tried to yell. _Run!!_ But he was left completely incapacitated. He couldn’t stop this from happening, couldn’t protect his brother, his most precious person, the only family he had left.

Loki choked and lifted a hand to grapple at the large, thick fingers tightening around his throat. His life was draining away, and his legs were trembling and all, _all_ of Thor was trembling along with him.

_Please_ he prayed to… who knew who. Anyone who would listen. _Please don’t take him. Take me…_

But it was just as hopeless as he’d previously thought as Thanos gave a flick of his wrist (such a small, miniscule movement, and Loki twitched one last time before his life was completely snuffed out and he went totally limp.

Thor let out a wail around the gag that he was certain could have been heard as far as midgard. He didn’t care that the infinity stone had been taken. The only thing he could think of, with such tunnelled vision, was his brother being tossed aside like garbage into a heap in front of him, as Thanos’ minions went about killing half of the Asgardians on the ship. But not Thor. He was left alive to suffer, knowing he wasn’t worthy. Knowing that he’d never be worthy again, because the only person who had (insufferably) consistently and unwaveringly thought him worthy was now gone.

His Loki…

With a rush of magic that Thor never wanted to experience again, Thanos and his minions were gone, and he was freed from the gag and bindings that had held even him back.

Crawling on grief weakened hands and legs, he pulled himself to his brother’s body, tears sliding down his cheeks. This couldn’t be real. Loki had been dead before, sure, but never with such a… finality.

“Loki,” he gasped. “Brother… if this is another one of your tricks, I hate it. If it’s a trick, I’ll forgive you. Just open your eyes. Just become strong again. Become the god I know you are. Just… open your eyes, Loki.”

Loki’s body remained prone, and Thor lifted a hand to raise Loki’s hand in his own feeling how, even for Loki, it was cool to the touch. Unmoving. Lifeless.

Thor had memories of that hand sliding down his chest, teasing him, blunt nails working at his nipples, his muscles twitching under it as Loki drew arousal from the one man he should never have sought it from.

He forced himself to look up, to his brother’s face. Those green eyes were dull and lifeless as they remained wide in death. It was completely unlike the spark of mischief that he always had when he cornered Thor against one of the walls in the palace and shoved his hand down his pants.

Loki’s neck was purple and blue from where he’d been squeezed, but Thor could easily envision dark purple love bites he’d put there in an effort of keeping Loki away from any other potential suitors.

Thor reached, with his free hand, to close Loki’s eyes. They’d been so accusatory. Like… why didn’t you protect me, brother? It had been his one job. To protect his younger brother, to keep him safe. He’d loved him in a way that he’d never loved anyone else before.

Certainly, their relationship had been contentious and complicated, but it had never dulled. Not through the fighting, or even through Loki’s stages of trying to find himself. Trying to learn what was right and what was wrong. Maybe in a way that Thor couldn’t understand, but he’d always been the reason that Thor had felt as though he were worthy enough to lead the Asgardians. Together, they’d fought to defeat Hela and bring Ragnarok to Asgard, saving her people.

Loki _had_ learned the difference between right and wrong. It had just taken him longer than some people. And Thor knew that, in the long run, they’d learned it together. Stolen kisses, forbidden moments and touches they’d shared. Thor and Loki had been there for each other in the darkest and brightest moments. They’d felt the echo of each other’s life force through all of the realms. And Thor knew, as he rested his head against his brother’s chest and heard nothing, not a single sound of a heartbeat, that he would never be worthy again.

It was over. Loki was-- Loki was gone. No more kisses, no more touches, no more mischief in the darkness of their rooms. No more stolen glances and witty comments.

No more _Loki_. No more Mjolnir. No more Asgard. No more…. Anything. What was there to live for?

What, honestly, could Thor offer to the world? He wanted to float away on a cloud of nothing, to draw away the pain of his people, of Loki, and meet them in the next life.

_Give me another chance!_ he pleaded with a deity he didn’t even know. _Just one more!_

A warm hand came to rest on his shoulder as he wept over his brother’s body, and he lifted his head to face one of the survivors. He shrugged their hand off and turned back to Loki.

“Leave me,” he said, voice deep with sorrow and throat aching from the effort of his wails. “I wish to die.”

The woman who had touched him did it again, her hand so warm on his shoulder. When he looked back, he realized she was one of his mother’s students. One of her witches. One of the women who had lived with her before she’d met his father, and who she had twisted into a powerful sorceress. He knew she could see the future. He knew she could heal wounds. Even mortal ones. But she looked so sad.

“Can you save him?” He asked desperately, his voice cracking.

She shook her head, blonde hair falling over her shoulder. “He is already gone. There is no wound to heal. I am sorry, my king.”

Thor closed his eye, another hot tear sliding down his cheek with the finality of what was happening. For half a second, he’d had a fool’s hope. A dream that his brother could be saved.

“I see.” Was all that was to be said. “Then leave me to grieve, sorceress. If you’re useless to me.”

She shook her head again and tried, though not too aggressively, to pull him away. “Your people need you now. We must leave this place.”

Thor’s brows furrowed and he looked back at Loki, his chest aching. “My brother needs me.”

She sighed and cupped his blood soaked cheek. “Not yet. He will, perhaps, but not in this way. He did not sacrifice his life so that the realm of Asgard could fall once again.”

Thor allowed himself to be pulled back, but he slid his fingers against Loki’s cheek, remembering how they would warm in embarrassment and pleasure when he called him beautiful. He wanted to do that once more. He wanted to remind Loki just how good he was. Odin’s Son indeed. To the end. 

_My brother…_ he thought. _My precious brother. I’ll kill him for touching you._ He vowed it internally. He would chop off his head, but not until he’d killed every single thing that Thanos cared for. If such a thing existed. He was already unworthy, so why not fall into the same darkness Loki had once held close?

Perhaps it would make him feel closer to Loki’s spirit. To his essence.

As he stood and another of the survivors placed a golden sheet over Loki’s body, he turned away. He felt a thickness in his throat, and a heaviness in his chest and knew that this was not over. He’d grieve his loved one’s passing for many years. For the rest of his life, potentially, however long that was. He didn’t care. Just so long as he survived long enough to destroy Thanos. To get Loki the revenge he deserved.

“I need--” he began thickly. The sorceress held out a vial to him. “To help you rest, my king.”

He really wished she’d stop calling him that. That was what Loki had teased him with when they’d rolled together in the grass of Asgard when they’d been hardly a hundred and fifty years old and just exploring their relationship.

“Thank you,” he whispered as he walked, a little shakily, to his destroyed chambers and collapsed on his bed. He opened the vial and swallowed the entirely of the sweet tasting, thick liquid.

His sheets still smelled of Loki, and he turned his head into the pillow, inhaling deeply. He needed to sleep. Perhaps-- perhaps he would meet Loki in his dreams.

Darkness tugged at him. A different sort of darkness than what was lingering in his heart. And he fell into a deep, induced slumber.

_Loki…_

Everything was so bright, which was weird seeing as how everything had been so dark before. He forced his eyes open and saw the grassy greenlands of his childhood play area on Asgard. He recognized the specific place and it set and ache in his chest. It was where he’d first confessed his feelings of not-just-brotherly-love to Loki.

Why this place? Why now?

He felt a cool hand on his bare shoulder, and turned around quickly.

_Loki!_ he thought as he saw a faded outline of his brother there, weak in sight, just the same as his father had been during his fight with Hela, but absolutely present.

“Loki!!” This time he huffed it out loud and took a step closer to reach for him. Loki tilted his head a little.

“Brother,” Came the soft reply. It echoed in his ears, in his mind, in his heart.

“I thought-- Are you still alive somewhere?”

Loki’s eyes softened sadly and he shook his head. The sense of finality settled in Thor’s chest again. “No, brother. Thor. I live only in you now. You must be the one to destroy Thanos.”

Thor felt an overwhelming emotion in every part of him. He was shaking. “How can I bring you back to life?”

Loki sighed. “Always the stubborn one, aren’t you? And you thought it was me who was stubborn in my life.”

Thor’s lips twitched slightly. “Perhaps I have taken on your burden, brother.”

He felt settled. At ease. Just by being even with this version of his brother. “Will you kill Thanos for me?”

Thor was a little startled. He’d never heard such fury in his brother’s tone. Not even the first time he’d learned he was Laufey’s son. “I will be the one to end his life. If it’s the last thing I do,” he promised fervently.

Loki nodded, a small smile pulling on his lips. “Don’t be too eager to join me, Thor. The other side. Valhalla. Is still out of my reach. I’ll wait for you here. And yet-- I do not wish you to rush to join me.”

Thor swallowed hard. “I’ll be with you when you need me. I’ll never let you down again. After I kill Thanos, perhaps then… I will be worthy to be with you again.”

Loki took a step back towards the trees, turning his back on his older brother before looking over his shoulder a little sadly. “You’ll always be worthy of me. I must bid you farewell now, brother. My spirit’s strength is still weak. But do not give up hope. I’ll see you again. Soon.”

Feeling a little more at ease than he had a moment earlier, Thor nodded. “I’ll be here. My heart will always be open for you.”

Thor felt the darkness tugging at him again, but he was loathed to stop looking at Loki. Soon, though, it overtook him, and he was sleeping again. This time more soundly than he ever believed possible.

He needed to prove that he was worthy of his brother’s love. Of his brother’s unwavering faith. He would. He would prove it. Nothing could stop him now!

_ We’ll be together soon, brother!_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


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